Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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