Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
