Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
