U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
