plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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