I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
