Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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