why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
