you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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