Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
