My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
