Im at strip club and am horny
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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