That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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