I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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