so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
