I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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