So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
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