I wish i was in the wii world.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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