so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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