I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
