Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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