I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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