Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
