I met the friendliest cop last night
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize