Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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