Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
