Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
