So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
