So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
