If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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