She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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