did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
