I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
