My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
