Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
