I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
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Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
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He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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