Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
