On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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