i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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