I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
