her vagine was all disorganized.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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