Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My life is pants optional.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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