I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
