break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
we made out on top of his cat.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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