Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
