I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
