she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
love makes seman taste better
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
