I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
