There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
