the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
