Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
