My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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