if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
