So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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