Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
