It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
