census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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