There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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