She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
