The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
