I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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